grasping at straws

So, I almost made an appointment to see a doctor about HCG injections for weight loss. There's a lady at work who is doing it and she is losing a pound a day and it seemed to be the perfect solution. I talked to Ben about it, which had me in tears, and after he did some research he asked me not to since it's not FDA approved. I am to the point of panic about my weight. My dad's side of the family has a history of diabetes and kidney failure and I am scared to death that it's going to happen to me. I want a quick fix, I need instant results but I don't think it's going to happen. I feel a little bit better about things this morning. I made a big salad for myself for dinner and once the kids were in bed I put myself to bed. I am going back on South Beach and I will just have to be patient. I am going to start working out with a trainer a couple of times a week and I will just have to be patient. I have to keep telling myself that it's going to take some time to change bad habits into new ones and in the mean time this fat body is going to have to get to work.

I don't know how many people, if any, still read this blog but I am determined to keep this journal up to date. I want to be able to look back at this post and see the desperation that I was feeling. To remember what it was like so that I don't have to do it all over again. I can't keep gaining and losing weight.

To the people that do still read the blog, I apologize for the sudden "reality blogging" but I need a place to say what I want to say. You can't always go around spewing verbal garbage at everyone because you're in a bad mood. SOOOO, that's what I am using this for. I need to complain here, whine here, cry here, and then I will be okay and then things will start to get better.

It's one day at a time.